10. Full Moon in Leo 🦁

Courage. Creativity. Confidence. Self-expression. Press publish. Hear Me Rawr?

Three of my four parents are Leo sun signs. The longest romantic partnership I’ve ever had was with a Leo sun. My inner teenager tends to quickly rebel against all things Leo. It’s a thing. Every once in a while, the rebel without a cause, activated version of me (rarely seen by even my closest friends) shines through.

What then, do I make of the juicy Full Moon in Leo energy this week that in theory *should be super supportive of the ways in which I’m committed to this experiment of showing up, putting more of ME out there, and gently nudging my comfort zone into new territory?

If I judged this experiment by any metrics with which one traditionally defines success, it would be a hands down belly flop of a failure. I not only feel as if I’m screaming into the void, I am by most measurements often SCREAMING INTO THE VOID.

Why then, do I choose to continue the experiment?

Well dear readers, or the void, whichever audience I’m speaking to right now, I continue because the experiment I devised was never built to achieve tradition “success” until I actually got on this platform and began consuming ‘successful stack’ content.

A friend and colleague (who happens to be running an awesome parent group starting very soon!) recently posited an inquiry that landed for me about the concept of “success.” It’s come up in multiple conversations and contexts. An inquiry into the possibility available if each of us redefines success. If I redefine success around the substack experience, as laid out by my original intentions, I can say I’m proud of myself for the following:

• Published a newsletter allllmost monthly, giving myself grace for the times I’ve been ‘late’ or couldn’t make it happen (ahem, election month quite literally disappeared like quicksand under my feet).

• Joined and participated in two writing classes (ongoing), neither of which I ever would have known about had I not started my own stack. Moreover, I’m learning so much AND making writer friends.

• Get ready to wrap your mind around this success- I submitted an essay for publication for the first time AND WAS REJECTED. How on earth is this success, you ask? Because 1 year ago I was deep into writing the first drafts of several children’s books I’ll one day publish along with a non-fiction work. The more I learned about publishing, I began to realize that rejection in some form is inherent in the process of publishing. Moving toward guaranteed rejection was WAY outside of the comfort zone of early 2024 Cassidy. Now I know that every rejection is practice that allows me to show up again and again, for the things I believe in.

• I have more subscribers than I thought I’d ever have when I first considered starting a newsletter. Simultaneously, the stats show I have few readers. See: SCREAMING INTO THE VOID. What if that is okay? How quickly I re-wrote the parameters of the experiment. Then the moment I forgot the carrot I set out for myself (i.e., write, show up, practice being seen), I caught sight of a flashy carrot in the distance. The flashy carrot said I could and should write to make a living on here. I unplugged that glitchy neon sign. **

• I must have pissed off some 🧌with my post-election newsletter because I’m quite certain that the many subscribers I accumulated over the course of a day or two early January are all bots. They have yet to do any trolling, but I’m ready with the delete-block one-two punch. 🥊

• My heart has been revealed, rumbled with, transcribed, revised, and tended to through the words I’ve shared here. Grief in particular has been given a voice, and that is as painful as it is healing. Whether or not you read, you are holding me accountable to walk my talk.

I’m sure there is more. But it isn’t about the metrics! It’s an experiment and each time I show up, each time I choose a slightly more authentic sentence or story to share here, I am succeeding.

*The most Leo thing I’ve done as of late loosely relates to another neon sign, one that depicted a pin-up girl and sat above Cassidy’s Pub. One that I very seriously had an acquaintance attempt to recover for me years ago. Apparently the sign was way bigger than I remembered and was not able to be transported in an SUV. Womp womp.

Anywho, the pub was named after me and the sign existed before my 13 year old hormones gifted me with my grandmother’s boobs, an asset that matches those on my sexy neon counterpart. Okay, maybe those were bigger than I remember too, you get the point!!

I spent many years hiding that gift. Until I didn’t. I’ll write about the reclaiming of my body soon because this newsletter would certainly lose the modern attention span if I do that story justice. The TLDR (too long, didn’t read) is this: My friends needed some support marketing their business this week. I used a photo taken on their land in Fall of 2022 as the backdrop for a marketing post I shared for them. If one were to look closely, they’d see a hint of the lingerie I wore during the wildly liberating experience I dubbed ‘truck bed boudoir.’ There is even a glimpse of ‘free feet pics.’ I had taken these for myself. The guy I was dating at the time never even knew the photoshoot happened or that these existed. It was the beginning of the reclaiming. The most Leo thing I was able to do this week was a practice in taking up space and being seen. A success, as it didn’t trigger vulnerability hangovers I experienced after posting many of my early newsletters.

Sneak peek of Truck Bed Boudoir taken by the amazing stewards of The Harmony Mountain House in NJ

Reader Invitation 💌:

What metrics make you miserable?

In what singular area of life can you get curious about redefining success?

When speaking with your beloveds, is it easier to redefine success on their behalf than it is to reframe your own?

TLDR: The full moon in Leo called for courage and creativity and while I’m not feeling particularly courageous, I did one thing outside of my comfort zone and also took an accounting of my personal definition of ‘success’ being on substack.for 9 months.

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Land Acknowledgement: This newsletter was written and published while spending time on the lands of the following Indigenous Peoples: Clackamas; Confederated Tribes of Siletz Indians; Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde; and Cayuse, Umatilla & Walla Walla. I recognize the many forms of harm and violence that occurred for me to have the privilege to write here today. I thank those who originally cared for this land and in many cases continue to do so in resistance to the continued damage to the lands and waters via practices and laws maintained by colonizers.