4. My Most Authentic Outdoorsy Self
Nudging back against that social nicety to respond with less than the whole truth
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Content Warning
Discussion and images of carnivorous animals eating.
Someone recently asked what my favorite outdoor activity is. I replied with the most true thing (instead of a more socially acceptable response in our fitness obsessed world)- “Watching wildlife.”
After 6 months on the road in 2023, hiking (250+ miles combined) and touristing (visiting many “must-see” spots), I’ve settled into this current understanding of what truly lights me up. I’m 39 and I’ll take standing in place watching wildlife over most other experiences. This roadtrip, I’ve leaned in hard. Case in point, I drafted this newsletter from a tiny beach on a tiny island, looking out toward any even tinier island, the latter being home to harbor seals and their BABIES.
July’s newsletter shared a glimpse into the rocky start to my roadtrip. I had deeply considered turning around just a few days in. Selling the concert tickets this trip is centered around to regroup at home. I kept going, incredibly grateful to Cathy and Philip for a resting place on their amazing property where I was able to deal with some repairs and have some good ol’ Wyoming fun in the process, including some amazing moose sightings, horseback riding, live music, caraoke (and more!). Also in that newsletter, I swore to myself that I’d let whatever was to be, be. To release control and expectations. After a week in Grand Teton NP and Jackson, WY, I still hadn’t seen a single black bear despite concerted effort. Spoiler alert, I STILL haven’t seen a single black bear yet this year. Ironically, they are setting up shop in Baltimore County and as usual, traipsing around my VT home. Something about my energy must incompatible with black bears.
I was intentional about noticing everyday beauty, moments of contentment and gratitude, and being present in each experience.
When I drove from Jackson to Yellowstone, I basically headed straight for Lamar Valley, to a campground access road where I had visited last year in hopes that the Junction Butte wolf pack might have been occupying the den with their pups. I learned that the pack was using a different den at that time, but got some good info from some fellow watchers who had scopes on an injured bison.
This year, I knew that den had recently been active, thanks to a near obsessive scouring of Yellowstone wildlife related Facebook group posts and comments. Plus the best intel on the Yellowstone Reports website.
When I tell you that the first afternoon-evening I spent in Yellowstone this year completely blew me away, I was SO pleasantly surprised. In GTNP, I had been practicing the walk to my talk- noticing pretty sun rays and cool looking water droplets. Visiting the same moose pond on repeat to at least have seen *any wildlife. As soon as I pulled into the pull off, I learned there was a bull bison carcass 500~ yards off the road to one side with the occupied Junction Butte pack den on the other side of the road, a ways up the mountain. I quickly befriended a 12 year old (unofficial) junior naturalist and his dad (hi Luca and Joe!). This kid could spot a twitching wolf ear in the sage grass with his trusty little spotting scope pointed near the den. We watched and chatted and waited for some action. Two of the wolves made their way to the carcass, close enough to see with the naked eye. SO cool! Soon after, there was something coming down the mountain. SomethingS. A mama grizzly and her 3 yearling cubs rolled in at 5:20 pm during full heat of the day. Usually grizzlies with their thick coats feed around sunrise, go nap in the shade all day, then reappear closer to sunset. As of my first time (very distant) grizzly sighting last year, I’ve been in love. If you’ve ever seen a grizzly cub stand up to check out the surroundings, you know- they are beyond CUTE, and these three were taking turns popping up on the run down the mountain. It briefly seemed that this mama was second guessing the plan to approach with two wolves there already. There are so many dangers to the cubs, and wolves and a rather large group of humans are two of the primary sources of danger. Something changed her mind and they changed directions, running directly down the hill toward the carcass. One wolf took off at the first whiff of the approaching bears. The other, who I came to learn much more about, kept feasting juuuust until the bears reached the clearing, dashing off at the last minute. Two wolves and a mama grizz with 3 cubs within hours of arrival, less than 500 yards away. Definition of living my absolute best life.
A few hours later after a few different grizzlies and wolves did their dance of shared resources, we got to see the adult wolves reunite with the wolf pups. The little ones came bounding toward the returning adults on the hill near the den. All five of them eager to be the first to nuzzle and lick the mouths that produce their dinner. The alpha female of the pack, 907F, who is the oldest wolf in the park at 12 years old, swooped in and got her meal first. Three of the pups are hers and while she’s blind in one eye and has a persistent limp, she’s an impressive leader. As a kid, I loved books about the lives wild horses and that one with the child character who went from lost in the wilderness to being part of a wolf pack. As someone who gets quite grossed out about raw meat, I continue to be utterly fascinated by the feeding process of wolves. Definitely cried when I saw the first adult regurgitate food for the pups. Then laughed when one of the pups rolled in it.
I stayed for 7+ hours that first evening, finally packing up and heading out of the park for the night to test out the car camping setup. I covered the windows and curled up in my backseat bed with an alarm set for 4:15 the next morning to go right back and do it again. I thought to myself that I didn’t really need to stay a full 3-4 days car camping since I had hit the wildlife jackpot the first day.
Another spoiler- I stayed all the days. Unbeknownst to me, the following days would be equally spectacular from a few angles. That first morning, I showed up when it was still dark. A handful of cars were parked in the larger pullout. A few folks with the big spotting scopes were already set up in the direction of the carcass. I couldn’t see anything yet with my cheap binoculars, so I intended to wait for daylight. I didn’t have to wait. A woman with a scope and a phone attached offered to let me see the TWO (unrelated adult) grizzlies that were on and/or near the carcass, pointing out the wolves also nearby in the sage grass. I was so psyched and trying to maintain some of the wildlife watching etiquette I’ve picked up, such as not taking advantage of the lovely humans who share their equipment and giving personal space even when I could stare at the phone all day. Again, living my best life. Self restraint was tested.
Video description: 2 adult black wolves and 3 black wolf pups, all members of the Junction Butte pack. Pups are feeling playful while the adults less so.
As the morning went on, I realized the folks I was standing near knew each other, and I guessed aloud that they are the voices of Yellowstone Reports, which they confirmed. I felt extra lucky to be sharing space with the professionals and extremely grateful for the generosity with glances using their equipment. I started picking up little tidbits about the who is who of this wolf pack, especially 1479F. The only surviving yearling of the Junction Butte pack from last year’s litter. Among the watchers is an older guy sitting on a stool. He was mostly quiet and had parked next to me when I arrived. I heard one of the women say “Hey Rick, ______(something about one of the wolves).” Trying not to fangirl too hard, I asked and it was confirmed that I was separated by a few humans from Rick McIntyre. I later learned that the question asker was his pal Laurie (Lyman). Until that moment, they had been folks I knew as subjects of a book: American Wolf. A book that was recommended to me last year at the exact same spot last year, by a woman in a wolf t-shirt who reminded me of Nanny Quigley. Not the shirt, her personality. I ran into her again this year a few days into my spectator experience. She looked SO familiar and I couldn’t quite place her. I reached, connected the dots, pulled up the dates on the spotting scope photo from last year of the bear and the wolf doing their dance around a carcass just down the road in Lamar valley. That day I’ve told many people about as not just a highlight of my 2023 trip, but the one when I drove back to camp completely satisfied, sending my life had peaked. I had waited months and months to take the book out of the library, worried a long book about one specific wolf (0-Six) wouldn’t hold my interest. I was so very wrong. By the end of the book I had cried quite a bit and my fascination with Yellowstone wolves was set in stone. Now, the human subjects of the book were next to me casually chatting and joking, identifying which wolf is which. 1479 stayed near the carcass the most, so she was a frequent topic of conversation. Unflappable and daring with the grizzlies, narrowly avoiding a swipe at one point while deciding it was a good idea to ‘share’ the carcass with a huge male grizzly, she gave watchers plenty to talk about.
Video description: Grizzly eating the carcass when 1479F comes in to snag a bite.
Some particulars about Rick’s personality had stuck from the book and I refrained from gushing outwardly about this wolf watcher royalty encounter. The next day he offered to let me see the wolf pups through his scope. After my best yet view of the pups using his equipment, I took the opportunity to thank him for his work. Lead with gratitude has been one of my prevailing mantras and mottos for the last year. Sometimes it is more of a feeling than an outward expression. A way of living, regardless of outcomes, it only guides my behavior.
So much of wildlife watching, in Yellowstone in particular, but other places too, is this human connection aspect. Meeting locals and travelers alike. info-dumping everything my sponge brain absorbs to my neurodivergent heart’s content. My conversation partners learn just a bit more than they probably otherwise might, usually thanking me for the shared knowledge (and the tips for where to look to actually see the animals). I never know what I’m going to get, sometimes getting a surprise hug from a stranger who often likely appreciated the moments I entertained their otherwise bored child(ran).
The animals themselves bring us together. The more I watch, the more I want to know and the more I want to protect them. The grizzlies and wolves are about to be delisted. Humans have created invisible lines within their habitats, and should an animal unknowingly cross that line, there is often a human with a gun on the other side ready to take home a trophy. I wonder if they spent 3 days watching a spunky yearling like 1479, getting to know her- her bravery, her auntie playfulness, her obvious fear of humans despite having almost no fear of hungry grizzlies- would they still want to wipe her and her family out of existence for the sake of a tiny portion of livestock the wolves and grizzlies eat each year? I hope not. It’s this that motivates me to keep writing the children’s books I’m working on. The chance that one day my books will be in the hands of those who have hearts open to the magic of wildlife and encourage folks to fight for their survival. And of course, earth’s survival.
Back to real time, in contemplation about how my outdoorsy preference of wildlife watching might be received upon disclosure, I thought about typical ideals and how quickly bias can sway an interaction. And how much I’m leaning into my truth these days. The one where if I had step goals, I’d rationalize that I get way more steps standing around for hours watching nature be magnificent than on the days I force myself to go for a walk. My favorite thing is not hiking or snowboarding or mountain biking. It’s experiencing wild creatures in their natural habitat and experiencing total awe and joy.
I want more of this (gestures to the body of water I’m sitting next to while revising the newsletter). I want more working while sitting on a set of steps as the tide inches up the beach, then the bottom step, eventually covering the third step. Staying for 5 more minutes and then 5 more and eventually packing up because it’s after sunset and unless my wish comes true and a harbor seal swims right up next to the staircase, I can’t see anymore and the rules say it’s time to go. The bats are also flying closer to my face than I’d prefer, and it’s not nice to confuse them with blue light.
As the sky turns darker and darker orange, I can’t ignore the acute pull of financial circumstances attached to continuing ‘more of this.’ A constant mental reconciliation that I don’t have any answers for as of yet. How be financially secure while doing that which feels so satisfying. As much as I’d love to hop into being a nomadic wildlife photographer, I don’t have a long lens and my iPhone autofocus is usually shit. I don’t have a fancy spotting scope. I don’t even have fancy binoculars. AND, I’m remaining open to finding a way to fund a life full of moments that the energy in my body says yes to so emphatically. The last 3 hours spent listening to harbor seals honk and splash as my writing focus music (admittedly, I spent a lot more time with binoculars up against my eyes than looking at the computer screen).
Somehow, more of this. Please.
BTS
I promised the BTS when I launched Soft Place to Land and swore you’d never catch me showing up here shrouded in toxic positivity. The internet pretending is crushing too many souls. Which means you get the big AND! After reflecting on and reliving all of the joys of Yellowstone and Jackson and the Tetons, it’s hard to give any weight to the things that went wrong. I’m practicing reminding myself that things aren’t all good or all bad at any point in time, noticing when the dwelling starts, and doing my best to release it. I can hold all that I described above at the same time as the realization before I headed to the park, that my camper brake wiring was totally fucked and quite possibly had been since I paid to get them “fixed” last year (don’t worry, I re-wired them!). On top of the steel chunk I snapped off of my weight distribution system after forgetting to remove the sway bars before backing up too many times. Wildfire smoke caused me to miss what was likely the highest chance I had at that bucket list experience while in the park. The sleeping pad I brought with me to make the car bed is so old that the valve corner is crumbling, and with it, an ability to hold air. Some of the folks watching the wolves and grizzlies with me were classic definitions of tourons- some the kind who don’t know any better, and others who know better and just don’t care. Like those shouting over the breathtaking song of a wolf pack howling to one another from their various locations around us mostly hidden from view, the human noise so loud we could only see the nearby wold in howl posture. The second (or third?) morning in the park, bear spray went off in my pocket while pointed in the direction of my thigh. 10/10 do not recommend this last one. It burns like a mother fucker and without undiluted dawn soap followed by a shower to get the soap off, there is only partial relief available. Baby wipes help in a pinch.
Soft Place to Land Updates
Subscription update: This little community and corner of the internet I’m curating is new and still small. As such, I’m going to walk my talk and follow the energy of what serves (both me and subscribers) and shift a bit. I’ll be restructuring the subscription tiers, including opening up commenting to all subscribers (eek!). At launch, I had followed a model I’ve seen and felt safe within other substack communities. Limiting comments to paying subscribers protects the community, but it also protects me (from the dreaded internet trolls). Alas, fear isn’t in the driver seat at the moment, so I’m going to experiment with this and see how it goes. When I’ve had more time to think through the rest of the shifts I’m contemplating, y’all will be the first to know. Thank you as always for being here with me <3
Newsletter frequency update: You may have noticed there wasn’t an August newsletter. I got COVID after evading it these many years. It kicked my ass during the acute phase and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still feel the aftermath. This was followed by a chunk of my trip where I’ve had slim to nil in terms of cell service or wifi. Here we are, publishing mid-Sept and while I hope to double up posts this month, I’m giving myself grace because that is what I would do with anyone else.
Honorable mentions of many of the lovely humans who made my time extra memorable:
Jackson and GTNP: Cathy (Mombi) & Philip, Katherine (https://www.katherinerichmondphotography.com/), Jen & Randy
Yellowstone NP: Luca and Joe, Krisztina, Laurie, Helena (sp?), Marisa (sp?), Rick, Bill (album of photos taken when I was there: https://www.flickr.com/photos/wmcbeverly/albums/72177720319242045/ and his other Flickr albums: https://www.flickr.com/photos/wmcbeverly/albums), Steve and Deneen (sp?), Joe, and Katie.
Links:
Katherine Richmond: https://www.katherinerichmondphotography.com/
Bill Beverly: https://www.flickr.com/photos/wmcbeverly/albums
Yellowstone Reports: https://yellowstonereports.com/
Reader Invitation:
What is a preference, in any area of your life, that you find yourself reluctant to share your full truth about? Can you create any softness around this for yourself? Is there a safe or brave space you can begin to name it either privately or with someone you trust?
LAND ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: Lands visited and mentioned include the territories of several Indigenous Peoples including the Eastern Shoshone; Cayuse, Umatilla and Walla Walla; Crow; Cheyenne; and Shoshone-Bannok. Recent history calls these areas Grand Teton National Park, WY; Jackson, WY; and Yellowstone National Park.
ride the wave my daughter!
After 30 years of learning your truths, I am still impressed by your fearlessness is facing them, your boldness in sharing them and the grace with which you do so. I am so glad you are leaning in. Lots of love...