11. You Are Light- A Love Letter
If I AM LIGHT, it is undoubtably magnified by the light I’m surrounded with- reflecting and reflected by- the many truly exceptional women I am grateful to know, love, and be loved by.
Author’s Note- 3/8/25:
This newsletter was originally written with the intention to post on Valentine’s Day. For a variety of reasons, that wasn’t the case. I actively chose to not revise the entire piece to fit the current publishing date a few weeks later. I promised to lean into ‘good enough’ and practice pushing back against my conditioned perfectionism, didn’t I? One of many ways I am pushing myself to walk my talk more than ever in 2025.
I’m publishing today in honor of International Women’s Day* (whether it is recognized on a digital calendar or not). This is the first of many in a series of personal essays that also serve as love letters to my friends. I am incredibly grateful to know, love, and am loved by many truly exceptional women. Women who hold a multitude of roles and identities. To be clear, (especially for you convicted felon Trump and cronies), as author and the facilitator of the space that is Soft Place to Land, today and every day I celebrate women in an explicitly inclusive manner that centers intersectionality. All who identify as women, will be celebrated as women.
*It’s still technically 3/8 on PST!!
Unexpected Affirmations- Permission to Feel- Well Intentioned Invalidation
Back in May when I began seriously drafting content, one nugget at a time, of inspiration and experiences and topics that what would become this newsletter, I took note of something I knew I’d need to come back to later.
That time is now. Well, this week. My hope is that this post goes out before the end of the day on this Hallmark holiday, even if that happens in PST and most of my readers are on EST.
Flashback to the original notes/draft for this post topic:
In the last few months, two moms, one who has known me my entire life (hint- gave birth to me) and another a mom of a beloved mama friend, said the same exact thing to me: “You are a light.”
I went on to reflect…
On first impact it certainly feels good to receive.
What does that mean?
I then turned to creativity to process the experience. I did so by creating a tangible representation of the contrast experienced when I hear something about myself I can’t fathom to be true, with a reminder that it’s also safe to question what I believe about myself. Between the two, I might discover something closer to the truth.
I continued:
As I’m writing this first draft at the beginning of May, 2024, I reached out to someone to let them know that I was going to write about them in the newsletter at some point. I told them a bit about the intent and their response was:
“I absolutely LOVE that! You are amazing. I’m sure it’s going to be great! You’ve inspired me over the last year to make changes to enhance my life experience and follow my dancing spirit. (Not just once in awhile like when I met you)”
I knew that we had made a good impression upon each other when we met, but I had no idea that in all the months between (almost a year) that the conversations we had that first encounter left an impact. I remember questioning myself afterward- whether it was too much too soon to have the depth of conversations that I had initiated with a stranger I met on a dance floor. I had been so incredibly direct, especially when I heard a familiar sadness that reminded me of things I had heard from a beloved human who transitioned from this lifetime by choice and left a gaping hole for many of us still here.
We dove into the exploration of success and how status does not fill the void that is left when you are over-working and under-valued, when you miss the opportunities for connection with the humans who place an invisible palm on your heart and telepathically transmit the messages: I see you, I am with you, You are loved.
That’s where I left off with the draft. Since then, the mantra “you are a light” (or “you are light”) kept a steady presence in my mind, popping up after many moments self-doubt had kicked in. On the path to remembering myself, “I am light.” There is even a song by India Arie, “I Am Light,” in my affirmations playlist to remind me when I can’t conjure a feeling state reflecting intended truth of the affirmation. I listen to affirmation music, such as Coax Marie, who topped my Spotify wrapped in 2022. Especially when I’m unable to see through my own darkness. When I need the reminder that the truth lies between what I believe about myself and what others see in me, I listen. The simplicity of the chorus: ‘I am light,’ is generous and catchy (and much more helpful than whatever 5 word section of lyrics that are otherwise stuck in my head on loop on a given day). I am light; I am enough; I am worthy as I am. The link to that playlist is below.
Fast forward and it’s nine months later and the topics of success and love have been whirling around my consciousness, asking to be put into words. A glimpse into the ways in which I’m currently practicing redefining success can be found in the newsletter I sent yesterday, a little practice in embodying the spirit of the Full Moon in Leo.
This Wednesday I logged onto zoom for a virtual cacao ceremony with my friends Elyza and Sarah through their virtual connection offering HeartSpace. to “I Am Light” playing. As I did, I recognized “I Am Light” playing. Elyza is the mama friend mentioned earlier, and her mama Jean is the one who rocked my sense of self in the most unexpected and generous of ways before she headed home that day. The sincerity in her eyes and the way she held me by the shoulders as she said “you are a light” stuck with me. So this Wednesday, with my particularly tender heart, it was confirmed that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. It was then I knew I would return to that original draft to reflect on what this present version of me has to say when I repeat “I am a light.”
After we logged off an incredibly powerful ceremony that Wednesday, I picked up where I left off on my reflections around I AM LIGHT:
I don’t feel light, I feel heavy.
Emotionally, physically, energetically. The weather?! Ok actually, today specifically, I felt warm sun on my face through floor-to-ceiling windows at the library.
I rarely glow these days, except when I put on my particularly watery moisturizer without fully drying my face in this PNW climate, even then it’s more shiny than a glow.
When I look in the mirror, I see the wrinkles and the genetic double whammy of droopy eyelids and under-eye circles. (I’m not just being hard on myself- at least one person on each side of my genetic tree has gotten surgery to correct their version of this, and I inherited both- ‘as above, so below?’ Bad joke!)
I recognized my wounded parts were using the opportunity to express and though they could keep going down that familiar path (and have had plentiful opportunities to do so recently in a very active period of making space for lots of hard feelings), my heart had something else to say. During that ceremony my heart had witnessed as my friend and her little showed up in community while incredibly sick. What I came to the page to reflect upon stemmed from the recognition of how much has shifted inside me when it comes to HOW I show up in friendship, and in expressing love. 2021, 2022, 2023 and 2024 versions of Cassidy would have been incapable of witnessing their suffering (they were so incredibly sick) without launching into ‘fixing’ energy. Whether it would have been expressed as reassurance, advice, or wanting to get in the car (or in this moment it would be airplane) to physically support them or the business. For the first time in a very long time, it felt close to natural to witness. Moreover, my own sense of worthiness was not threatened by that which I previously would have guiltily considered witnessing as passive and therefore not in alignment with my value as a friend.
The experience was a reflection of the absolute necessity and permission we all need to fully feel. That to witness another is not passive, but critical as an expression of unconditional love.
It was a reminder that ‘fixing’ energy is often not what is being asked/called for when we are hurting, whether physically or emotionally. A sentiment I’ve noticed many times in recent weeks. A response from others that has made me want to scream LET ME FEEL. Every time I have been offered words of comfort or encouragement or even words intended in solidarity, when what I needed was space to express. Each time, hearing my inner critic sound off about how my feelings were too much, going on too long, unreasonable, you get it. I made this commitment to feel through life and while the recent ‘opportunity’ to do so sucked, some of the worst parts were when I felt the discomfort arising for others. Note: I didn’t scream. Usually I responded with a version of “I’m not there yet.”
Then I was given this gift and reminder that showing up in the raw essence of my humanity was once met by being told that the very act of doing so increased my lovability.
I can’t remember Elyza’s exact words the first time allowed more authenticity and spoke from my heart in a cacao ceremony, but I will never forget the message- No matter how raw, how messy, how MUCH, the real ME is more magnetic than the decades curated (i.e., masked) versions of myself I’ve been trying on, testing out, and crowdsourcing in hopes of adopting the right personality, right aesthetic, to finally be lovable.
The most apt analogy I can draw is that my mind conjured a twisted version of Photofeeler. Instead of strangers rating headshots and their perceptions of my competence, likability, and influence, I was quietly interpreting data on my lovability based on every interaction in which I perceived rejection. The data left me with a hypothesis, that it was not safe to feel, especially in the presence of others.
During that fateful 2020 cacao ceremony, I think Elyza said something along the lines of…
“I’m so glad you chose to speak your truth, and I/we love you so much more for it.” 😭 (more like 🥹 because at that time I was so numb that tears were few and far between).
It was 2020, I was in a relationship that needed to end, scrambling to transition my in-person child (play) therapy practice to the virtual world to keep myself and more importantly, my 90 year old grandfather safe. I wasn’t fulfilled by the work I was doing, yet I knew my clients needed me more than ever and I was far from allowing myself to consider there were alternatives. I had lost my ability to speak my truth without the (illusory) protection of sarcasm. Sarcasm I had learned was hurting friendship and all interpersonal matters. Attempts to speak vulnerably of my truth within that romantic relationship were being met with reactions bound up in layers of wounds. I felt like I was failing and I can see now that I was shrinking.
That day in a zoom room full of acquaintances and strangers, I lifted the mask for a moment, and was explicitly told that doing so made me MORE lovable 🤯. That feeling, I wanted, no, I NEEDED more of that. Fortunately, more of that is exactly what I found in a friendship that blossomed and became a lifeline in the years to come. I can’t count the tears that have liberated themselves from my mind, body and soul in Elyza’s presence whether physically or virtually since receiving that explicit permission and encouragement to feel. She wasn’t scared or burdened or annoyed by my feelings. All of me is safe there.
The wild thing is- I know now that I was initially acting from a place of my own attachment wounds- revealing more and more of myself to fulfill my desire to be lovable. As those wounds shifted and were tended to from the inside and out, it became clear that the ways I had learned to show love were communicating something very different. Elyza offered opportunities to practice showing love and support. Admittedly, I often failed. Meanwhile she continued to witness, held, and honor my pain. Modeling the very thing she needed from me. In her unyielding capacity for loving communication, I began to hear what she was explicitly requesting in moments of pain. To be witnessed, held, and honored WITHOUT my trying to fix the pain.
Excuse me, WHAT?! A co-dependent, anxious attachment style, bleeding heart, therapist, not trying to fix pain?! Ludicrous. I see hurt and my first instinct, MY JOB, is to take the pain away.
Nope.
That is not love.
No matter how well intentioned my anger at the human(s) or circumstances that caused the hurt, it’s invalidating and worse, expressing my anger redirects attention on MY feelings and is often muddied by projection.
That is not love.
No matter how logical, my attempts at rationalizing and proving what I knew to be true about her inherent goodness, had the opposite impact and sucked the air from the room. Leaving no safe space to feel through the yuck.
That is not love.
No matter how sneaky my attempts at adapting became-
“I hear you, AND…”
“I know you don’t need/want me to fix this, AND…”
“I know it doesn’t help when I express my anger toward ___, AND...”
The end result was the same. That is not love. So what is and how do I SHOW love?
The practice is this- every time the ‘fixing’ energy arises and I have the self-awareness to notice it, I must ask myself what needs to be tended to within MYSELF in order to show up more fully as witness?
In the spiritual/wellness world, the term ‘space holder’ has taken on many definitions. What Elyza taught me is this- holding space is to witness another person as they show up in their humanity. A loving witness. No fixing, no silver linings, no rage on their behalf, no sprinkles of fuzzybunnyrainbowsandpuppies.
Each time I acknowledged the fixing energy (very often in sessions with my child clients), it illuminated that my job is to work through my own discomfort with witnessing pain and how that interfered with all of my relationships. What a revelation when I started to recognize that shadow in my role and identity as therapist. When I stopped trying to fix in that role, it became exponentially harder to believe that I was doing more good than harm. That’s a contemplation and a story for another day.
What I know today is this. Circling back to my recent exploration of redefining success, if I practice witnessing as a way of showing up for others and move the needle at least 1% toward embodiment, that is today’s success.
For today, I am so incredibly grateful for Elyza’s love and patience and for being the most radically authentic human I know. After this many years, I know it is genuinely uncommon to cross paths with, let alone have the gift of being in friendship with a human who radiates an abundant capacity for love paired with a commitment to accountability and growth. This was one of those moments that thanks to my commitment to the lifelong process of healing and painstaking movement toward embodying interdependence, the universe did that little nudge ✨ it does and revealed an opportunity to give a beloved their damn flowers 🌻🪷🪻.
You can find Elyza’s stack over at You Are (Safe) Here. If you too feel heard, seen, and safe there and are seeking a way to tend to yourself, you can visit Elyza, her little, and her co-steward, platonic life partner, my favorite Kitchen Witch, Sarah for one of their beautifully curated, heart-centered retreats or custom experiences at The Harmony Mountain House in the mountains of NJ. If you want an aesthetically pleasing glow up to your IG feed, follow them for timely meme drops and glimpses at the magic of their offerings.
If you do none of those things, you’ll get to know Sarah and her unique magic soon. Among her many talents includes impromptu photographer, for which she is credited much of my ‘truck bed boudoir’ photo shoot. Read the beginning of that story in newsletter 10. Part II is a soon to release work in progress. I hope to ride this wave of reinvigoration and courage to share my words sparked by the Leo Full Moon as long as it serves. This love holiday season filled with invitations to re-write the narrative on love and friendships (so eloquently stated by Alok Vaid-Menon below) in a way that has for so long felt true to me, I’m inspired to share more of myself here woven the a series of friendship romance love notes. As is reflected below (and beyond the capacity of a tiny IG post), if there is truth to the statement I AM LIGHT, it is undoubtably magnified by the light I’m surrounded with. Light reflecting and reflected by the many humans I’m fortunate to call friend, especially the sister friends.
A little nod to the essence of newsletter 9, An Eye on Delight, when I opened my browser to double check the name of Elyza’s substack, there was a new post from her at the top of my inbox. As I had been writing this draft, she had been writing her heart into the world in ‘I met my “younger self” for coffee.’ It’s short and sweet and 10/10 worth the read.
Reader Invitation 💌 (your opportunity to transform these personal essays and anecdotes into meaningful reflections through the creative and/or expressive practices you prefer):
💕 What physical sensations, thoughts, or common beliefs do you notice when you encounter another human in pain?
💕 Have you, like I have long done, equated your value in a relationship with your ability to fix pain or resolve problems or otherwise quantify the ways in which you are of service to the person? What shows up when you contemplate that question?
💕 What is one thing that you might need (from within or from a trusted person) that could move the needle in the direction of the (possibly) radical belief that you are inherently worthy and a valuable part of any relationship in which you express yourself authentically?
PS: This love as witness thing is still very much a work in progress. I fell back into the trap WITH E again within weeks. AND, practicing, effort, leaning into good enough,🚶🏼♀️🗣️
TLDR (Too long, didn’t read): This newsletter weaves threads of my lessons in showing love- by witnessing rather than attempting to fix, and the story of a friendship with my friend Elyza, within which I was gifted the opportunity to first receive that form of love and eventually, practice reciprocating.
Land Acknowledgement: This newsletter was written and published on lands sharing geography with the following Indigenous Nations: Clackamas; Umatilla & Walla Walla; Confederated Tribes of Siletz Indians; and the Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde; and Cayuse. Harm and violence occurred for me to have the privilege to write here today. I thank those who originally and in many cases continue to steward this land in resistance to the continued damage to the lands and and nearby waters via practices and laws maintained by colonizers. Many of the photos included and the land on which The Harmony Mountain House is stewarded by Elyza and Sarah, is on the ancestral lands of the Lenni-Lenape Peoples.
love love love this and you!!! love your vulnerability and how well you articulate things that I think about myself daily. Saving these invitations for my next journaling sesh. Also- love that good kisser made top 5 in wrapped :D
ohhhh how I love both of these humans (you & elyza) 🥹🥹🥹 and these words!!! what is love… this is it!