14. Still Receiving Information & Noticing Energy- Now What?

On internal renovations and leaning into growth

It’s summer again and I’m back to this contemplation and practice of noticing energy and information. I first shared my take on this topic and how it has and continues to inform my life in 5. On This Body, Information Received & Energy Noticed. I’ve continued to hold myself increasingly more gently in relationship to observing information (somatic, relationally, self-awareness around conditioning, world events/the news 😖). Sometimes I observe and mentally catalogue the data for future decision making. Other times I practice being present and attending/tending to whatever is happening.

If I’m being TOTALLY honest, committing to following the energy includes the truth that I’ve had NO energy/inspiration to write and publish this June newsletter. Many of my readers are on the East coast and will receive this in July. The absence of energy and inspiration to write was as true when I drafted this on 6/25 as it is today on 6/30 (i.e., my self-imposed monthly delivery deadline). 5 days ago I chose to acknowledge the information and approach it with curiosity, hoping I’d gain some clarity around the why. I asked myself how it would feel to be with the information without forcing myself to push through and choose a newsletter topic and send it out. The original answer was:

How do I feel in anticipation of sending this to you all, dear readers? Squirmy*, but not the dread or fear I would have run up against earlier on in this newsletter’s existence. I’ve been referencing one of my old trusty therapist tools more often lately, the FEELINGS WHEEL, to better understand and name the nuance I notice as a human experiencing and allowing a broader range of the multitude of emotions in their variations and intensities. For example, the closest I see on the wheel that comes close to defining how I feel when thinking about hitting send on this newsletter include: skeptical, apathetic, amused, embarrassed, hopeful. In summary, it’s a great example of the both/and we’re always hearing about. Maybe this is my big moment and I’m about to coin both/and++ which gives radical permission to be a human who experiences multitudes of seemingly contrasting emotions along with a host of related thoughts/beliefs.

I’ve recently been using squirmy as a placeholder to express to others when I’m experiencing discomfort in a low-moderate intensity, particularly when up against a growth edge I’ve chosen to lean into. Usually this is in the context of my continued life/career/calling pivot in progress or relationally. I was as a play therapy training the other day, when I heard a reminder of the cliche sentiment that “growth happens outside your comfort zone.” Squirmy feels okay when I’m committed to growth. More than squirmy usually means I’m falling into a familiar pattern of self-sacrifice. Squirmy is when I can feel most of the emotions in the outer ring of the top half of the feelings wheel (lower intensity emotions in the sad, mad, scared categories) without dipping into suffering territory.

That said, this week was an unexpected DOOZY and in order to attend to some minor emergencies, I wound up overextending to the point where my body started threatening to force me to stop. I had to choose rest over sticking to my time blocks, delaying progress on a future income stream. I stayed in bed and read for almost an entire day. I cancelled plans the next evening when my body continued to say NO with a sudden headache and chills.

Again, coming in with a raw truth: If I were TRULY as far along in the renovation* of my relationship to noticing AND respecting my energy, I would be sitting on a paddle board on the water with my friend right now when it’s 91 degrees followed by the early bedtime my body was asking for. Instead, I ate java chip ice cream at 5 pm, breaking my caffeine free streak, and forced myself to sit down to get this draft turned into something I perceive as worthy of sharing. Instead of giving myself until Wednesday, I accepted the urgency to publish while it is still June, aka before midnight tonight. There’s a very good chance the ever-familiar insomnia will be rearing its ugly head when I do try to sleep tonight. Tomorrow I won’t be firing on as many cylinders for the commitments I have to others. I continue catching my pendulum swinging between extremes. I know I’m not in alignment when I continue to find myself in sleep debt and/or calorie debt. When I realize that somehow I’m near some of the prettiest nature I’ve ever had the opportunity to explore, yet many I days don’t leave the house WHILE still feeling so behind where I had hoped to be by the beginning of summer on a variety of fronts. Then I look back and realize I’ve actually done quite a bit of adventuring over the last two months! I recognize the tendency to utilize all-or-none thinking, to be driven by perfectionism and urgency. I think of my grandfather who would have been 96 today, who could not stop trying to work until his last weeks on this earth, and our shared DNA. I remind myself that some renovations take time, especially when you are committed to preserving all that serves while exchanging the rest for all that might be more supportive.

Happy Birthday to the OG entrepreneur, Pop. Pictured here in his Navy outfit, because of course he chose to enlist (underage- story for another time) so he wouldn’t be left behind in the neighborhood.

*Renovation is another term I’ve been playing with that lands better with my nervous system. A nervous system that at best is squirmy around change and the unknown. Historically however, change and the unknown were almost intolerable.

Years into actively engaging in anti-racism, anti-oppression, decolonizing work which started with the purpose of being a better therapist and then turned into a whole-self/life commitment, I hear words like ‘unlearning’ and ‘deconstructing.’ I’m perpetually investigating (or interrogating) what are MY values, MY dreams, MY desires, and identifying what I’ve implicitly learned that impacts each. Then I heard Maxx Hill on a podcast reflecting on how folks need something else to step onto when moving away from a system that doesn’t work. Maxx talked about “building up parallel systems so that we can support ourselves and each other as the shitty systems are dismantled. Because when we dismantle shitty systems, it hurts people… There are ways that peoples lives are built upon the foundation of these shitty systems. Even as they are hurting them, their lives are built on them. And so if we do not create parallel systems to support them, before we start busting up the machinery, there’s nothing to catch them.” That resonated. In the process of dismantling the shitty systems that have informed the way my mind operates, without a parallel system to move onto, I find myself in free fall. Instead of ripping out one of the steel beams of my mind, what if I instead build a winding staircase around the beam so I can step on and off more safely? I don’t want to feel like a hermit crab departing the safety and comfort of my home each and every time I uncover a discrepancy and choose to move toward a TRUER (in this moment) choice or way of being. Instead, I want to sit in a familiar comfy chair, often in my emotional sweat suit, look at the wall color I once loved and decide that next week I’ll paint it a slightly lighter shade of blue-green, or maybe that it needs a tiny portal window installed. I want to gently scoop up the pendulum when it swings, close my eyes and ask ‘if not this extreme swing, what DO I want/need in order to support my next choice, pivot, interaction, so that intention is woven into it all.

Reader Invitation 💌:

What parallel systems would support you as you exist in a world that creates an abundance of contrast?

How does it feel for YOU, dear reader, to receive a monthly newsletter that likely isn’t quite what you expected?

OR

Are your expectations for this monthly(ish) newsletter different than mine? Maybe what I’d define as closer to a journal entry is precisely what you’ve come to expect. Maybe you enjoy that?

Speaking of expectations, as I contemplated my squirmy feelings around publishing this newsletter, I asked myself where I got the idea that longer is better? As soon as I asked, the answer came: being a STUDENT for 21 years. I always struggled to meet assignment requirements. 5 paragraphs. 5 pages. If I made my point, why did I have to fluff it up? Now though? Most newsletters YOU receive are edited down versions that are still WAY LONGER than the average 2025 adult attention span. Usually, I can’t stop writing. There are so many related tidbits I desire to connect with you over. This newsletter isn’t even particularly brief, but I do have more to say. After all, I have dubbed this the season of practicing trust. Trusting myself. Trusting others (including you, dearest readers). Trusting the unseen energetic connective tissue bridging all beings and everything we know and that which we may never know. TRUST is a terrifying practice y’all. It requires an unrelenting commitment to witness ALL the feels, and actively create safety for me to be with all of that. In a body that is so often reminded of when it has not been safe, each moment of vulnerability that is met acceptance for ALL I am is allowing me to re-write so many old stories. I’m incredibly grateful for the humans who co-create safety with and for me. The ones who have been doing life with me for a long time, and those who have entered my life along the way.

TLDR:

I’m still noticing SO MUCH information. I am gradually changing my relationship to what I notice and being kinder to myself in the process. I’m riding discomfort with intention. Feeling all the feels and leaning into trust takes work.

Land Acknowledgement:

This newsletter was written and inspired by multiple geographical locations. I am publishing today from lands sharing geography with the following Indigenous Nations: Clackamas; Umatilla & Walla Walla; Confederated Tribes of Siletz Indians; and the Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde; and Cayuse.

Harm and violence occurred for me to have the privilege to write about and visit the lands that inspire much of what you read here. I thank those who originally and continue to steward these land in resistance to the continued damage to the lands and and nearby waters via practices and laws maintained by colonizers.

What I’ve been up to lately:

In the spirit of acknowledging SO MUCH adventuring and connection, here’s a lil’ preview of my last month.

Chasing auroras; paddling with ALL the cuties; protesting; wildlife gawking; and Twilight scene recreating

Words cannot express the absolute JOY of seeing Mumford and Sons live for the first time in years. Noodling with a cutie who shares my enthusiasm for live music was a much needed reminder that this season of trust has some sweet rewards.

Snapshot of one of many campfires in one of many campsites visited in the last few months.

Coast adventure in a place I stumbled upon in 2023. One day I’ll finish and share the piece I have in draft about this particular beach and how the information gathered from this morning walk contributed to my first big 2023 pivot. For now, enjoy the view 🌊