17. Magic or Miracle

I’m publishing at the end of September, 2025. Pumpkins have been on sale outside of grocery stores and craft stores since the first week of September. A friend recently asked if I was ready to watch Halloween movies, since we won’t have time in October when she is traveling. Millennial classics of Hocus Pocus and Practical Magic were on the top of our potential watchlist.

I don’t know about you, but I am wildly eager to call in some magic right now. Not the farfetched and sinister kind required to resurrect the Sanderson Sisters (only possible on Halloween that happens to be a full moon, when a particular Black Flame Candle so happens to be lit by a virgin). I’m pretty sure Book, with its creepy eye, also had to be around.

Frankly, I’m too desperate to wait around for the intersection of a tiny window of circumstances to feel the pulse of magic. I’m not greedy though. I don’t need BIG Magic. Please do allow me a taste of some small Magic. I need glimpses of something with a flavor of the extraordinary to remind my deeply feeling soul that there is a current of energy supporting all the good so many humans are trying to do in the deeply disturbing world. A little push to keep going. To acknowledge all the ways in which terrible things continue to happen.

Speaking of Big Magic, I’m about 3/4 of the way through Liz Gilbert’s newest memoir, All the Way to the River. Apparently there are still people in the world (hi Mom) who don’t know who Liz Gilbert is. Or that Eat Pray Love, which was turned into a movie starring Julia Roberts, is Liz‘s first memoir.

I digress. Back to magic: I decided not to listen to the memoir on my 15 minute drive to the library one day because it is heavy and I needed to be productive. I chose something the next title down in my audiobook library full of no less than 5 books I’ve been listening to bit by bit. I pressed play on Burnout. What do you know, the first sentence the author/narrator read was about a woman in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Fun fact, Liz Gilbert also has a connection to Bethlehem Pennsylvania. Coincidence? Synchronicity? Small magic? Unsure, yet I took note. As if the universe whispered “pay attention.” A skeptic (hello skeptic part) might ask what I imagine I’m being called to pay attention to.

For the most part, I have no idea! Maybe it’s a spark to go back and figure out what it was months ago that made me feel connected/inspired to share with Liz in Letters from Love something it seemed Rayya was trying to teach me. Go back I did! I found a journal entry and letter from love written in response to the topic of ‘service without servitude.’ One where Liz wrote “How, then, to be of service in a way that truly honors the spirit of Love, rather than allowing our undeniably honorable urge for generosity deplete us, or make us into angry and embittered control freaks, or cause us to collapse on our faces in utter frustration and despair?”

I’ve shared my journal entry and letter from unconditional love from that day:

6/3/24:

WOW, one month and a day since last letter from love.

Elena- “I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.”

Rayya Elias, quoted by both Liz and Martha Beck in the way of integrity: “The truth has legs; it always stands. When everything else in the room has blown up or dissolved away, the only thing left standing will always be the truth. Since that’s where you’re gonna end up anyway, you might as well just start

“The truth has legs; it always stands. When everything else in the room has blown up or dissolved away, the only thing left standing will always be the truth. Since that’s where you’re gonna end up anyway, you might as well just start there.”

Thank you Liz, [she] appreciates the opportunities in this practice you have shared with us. I am compelled to share that I continue to be dazzled by synchronicity as of late and I’ve just come to wonder if Rayya is calling out from the beyond, an eternal soul teacher. [fast forward to 2025, what I’d now call NURSE LOGS]. You recently mentioned her stance on truth, “The truth has legs; it always stands.” Then I happened to be reading The Way of Integrity in which I came across the teaching again. Then just days later I see you and Martha/Marty in a cuddle bundle making an event announcement :) And now Elena with “I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.” Now I am in this deep space of curiosity to find the lesson than seems to be reaching out for me.

Dear Love,

What would you have me know today about the true nature of service?

Ah this my ever striving over-doer! Service continues to be brought to your attention, so with it we shall go. Free associations would take you to service as in bartending, waiting tables. Service as in volunteering and mutual aide. Service as that strange thing you keep hearing stories about where a person with strong religious beliefs attempts to convince another that they too need to believe x, y, or z. Service as the time you spent in community mental health, underpaid and overworked and allowing so many of your precious resources to go into that. Service, acts of, a love language, one of yours when you release control. More recently, reframing this soon-to-launch substack as being in service. Something more collaborative and mutually beneficial for you AND others. Creating and recreating and recreating again, what an equitable fee structure looks like. I see you doing that thing, calculating your professional hourly rate with the pennies that may be generated by subscription fees. That’s the thing though. If you create something in collaboration with the intended outcome of healing and growth for all involved, is any investment in resources wasted? Can you be discerning about the offerings and the energy input and meet the experience without expectation? You know that pressing publish tomorrow is an act of healing in itself. Tending to a wound and testing the waters. Committing to showing up and exploration and play. Creating potential for the service to the planet and it’s non-human beings to which you are called again and again. I know there is strain in your chest and fear about all the logistics of bills to pay and doing what needs to be done to support these dreams. Can you believe in yourself as much as I do? That you will balance the seeds of infinite possibility with discernment and continue creating offerings that you never would have imagined, had you not allowed yourself the space of these last months? I believe in you. I believe you will meet the occasion and find a way that doesn’t exhaust all of your resources. One that allows you to take my hand and take each next right step as it comes. Without force, but also not passively. You must take action. You must show up. Believe that those who need this similar tending to will show up at just the right time for them, and for you. And that with me as a guide, you will arrive with grace and compassion for yourself and others, as you have planted that seed of intention. Come love, it’s time to water the seeds together. I will show you how. You can trust me, and you can trust you.

Love,

Love

It is 15 months later and I could have written a similar letter today as if not a day has passed nor lesson learned.

If I squint, nothing has changed.

AND, everything has changed. The seeds have been planted. I’ve never had a green thumb, so there is a part of me quick to call failure when there are yet to be blooms to marvel at. And that, dear readers, is where EVERYTHING has changed. I grab my purple rimmed glasses and look again. There sits TRUST. Just beyond trust, sits Grace and Compassion. Their bodies rest upon the warm ground next to the nicely decorated seed markers. They hum a familiar tune, hands resting gently on the earth, then there is the briefest flash of an image: strong roots woven deep in the soil. They are active, growing, ALIVE. I breathe. I look back to Trust.

It is then I learn that for some plants, their growth occurs in a pattern called “sleep, creep, leap.” A slow, strategic journey. Anchor, expand (often with benefits of soil stabilization), then TA-DA, BLOOMS!! Color. And if I can’t wait. If the familiar crush of hustle and grit and bootstrap pulling (who EVEN HAS BOOTSTRAPS to pull up anymore?!); the culture of immediacy and quick results; the quiet(er) voice of self-doubt and the sassier one who points to the myriad of barriers to ‘success’; If any or all of those are too loud and I walk away from the garden, the roots will dry up and lose their chance to bloom.

So I anchor. I look for the places expansion is possible. I gratefully receive any and all resources that nurture and facilitate the growth of my roots.

I BELIEVE.

And I look for magic everywhere.

What is Magic and what’s a Miracle?

What is the difference between magic and miracle? Is there a degree of magnitude that qualifies as miracle? There has been lively and nuanced discussion and contemplation on the topic over at WITD where we’re in the midst of a 6 week intensive, dubbed Miracle Project, drawing from Melodie Beattie’s book, Make Miracles in Forty Days.

The primary practice Beattie prescribes is a 40 day commitment to spending 10 minutes per day writing a subversive gratitude list. I bet my child therapy clients who despised traditional gratitude practices would have gotten a kick out of this. Instead of ‘I’m grateful for the roof over my head’ (which trust me, I AM!), the lists are packed with the hard stuff. The list is then either kept private or shared daily with one partner via email. I’ve only missed one day since 9/3. A relevant example I’ll share is this entry from 9/22/25:

‘Today I’m grateful for my sadness that I didn’t make it to see 1479F be a young mama this summer.’

This is the subversive part. I am not grateful for the death of a stunning wild creature who I watched for endless hours during my 2024 Yellowstone visit. When 1479F was still a yearling (almost 2) and her mom was still alive. I was fascinated with her and spent each day observing her behavior. The way she lounged on a nearby boulder, nonplussed by three grizzlies coming in for a turn at the carcass. She reminded me of Mufasa, relaxed and observant, respectful of ‘the circle of life’ and prepared to defend her family if necessary. She’d return to the den and pups would run to greet her for a snack. A devoted auntie, she’d play with the pups her own mama was too old to entertain. There was much speculation that she’d make an excellent alpha (i.e., breeding female of the pack) one day.

I didn’t make it to Yellowstone this summer, but I caught glimpses and mentions of her this summer on social media. This is where I picked rumors that she may have had pups, which upon further research I’m now realizing was unconfirmed. Her death however, has been confirmed, victim to stepping outside the invisible boundary that surrounds the park, outside of which wolves have no protections since being de-listed from the endangered species list.

I AM grateful to the wolf watchers and photographers and advocates who show up most days before dawn and make it possible to witness their lives from afar. Those folks shared tender, grief filled accounts of the death of a Junction Butte Pack wolf they had grown to love. Just as they did of her mother, 907F, who had long defied odds (including delivering 10 litters of pups) until an encounter with a rival pack on Christmas last year. At least for 907F, who lived to 11 years old, hers seemed to be the most natural and fitting a death one could hope for. Wolves doing what wolves do.

Facebook post by a lovely seasonal park employee and generous wildlife photographer, Bill Beverly, who I had the pleasure of watching 1479F with in July, 2024. Bill has offered to share some of his higher quality photos to be used here, so I’ll post those when I receive them!

Wolves are a prime example of how beings within a healthy eco-system have the potential to self-regulate. Contrary to current laws and regulations, surrounding states claim ‘wolf management’ (I.e., via high quotas of legal hunting and/or minimally regulated illegal hunting/poaching) may not serve the stated purpose of mitigating financial loss of ranchers by wolf predation of livestock. The same wolves who play a critical role in keeping elk numbers population from exceeding sustainable numbers. This leads to vegetation recovery. Wolves also regulate the population of their own species. As pack animals, they compete for the best territory. They eliminate the competition when necessary. Over the two years I’ve visited, I gathered how incredibly low the pup survival rate is.

I AM grateful that I love and respect wildlife in the way that I do, which inevitably includes grief. This pokes at my desire to learn and share what I learn with others. I was hoping to write a children’s book about 1479F one day. Because wolves carry a story for most of us. Most of us have STRONG feelings about wolves. Stories about wolves are a part of our culture. The Boy Who Cried Wolf, Little Red Riding Hood, and Three Little Pigs. Fables and fairy tales, written to teach children (often using fear) naturally lend to ‘big bad wolf’ characterizations. In contrast, many are familiar with different story about wolves in The Jungle Book. One of my childhood favorites was Julie of the Wolves, written by Jean Craighead George¹. These stories influence my perception of wolves and my advocacy efforts.

I know I anthropomorphize wolves and have a tendency to romanticize. Since I’m aware of this, I follow folks who are doing active research and publishing the both/and. The Voyageurs Wolf Project is a University of Minnesota research project dedicated to filling in a lot of the knowledge gaps about wolves that allow our imaginations to fill in the gaps with potentially unhelpful fear based lore. They did a pilot project and have been tracking non-lethal means of protecting livestock by keeping wolves out of a ranch using fencing and (really cool/huge) guardian livestock dogs. So far, it has worked. Yes, there is a cost. There is also a cost of imbalanced systems.

One of my favorite watercolor paintings

Here’s the thing I keep coming back to about wolves, since there is some element of wolf energy in all of us. Is it safe for a single one of us to show up in our fullest truest selves, to be seen as the fierce predator without prompting hunters to kill us? If we roll over and show our vulnerable bellies, the rival wolves may use the opportunity to attack. Hopefully an auntie like 1479F or a mama like 907F, or sister or uncle or alpha comes to defend us or run them off. Wolves require no reminders that in a pack, everyone has a role. Each member is worthy. The fast and brave hunt. The clever outmaneuver and outsmart potential threats. The young inspire play. The strong follow at the back so that the slower moving members are protected. While nursing and protecting pups in the den, the mother of pups is fed by others in the pack. Known as ‘alloparenting,’ the pack members share responsibility for the pups as they grow. “Alloparenting duties among wolves are varied and include provisioning pups with food; “pup sitting” at rendezvous sites while other adults are hunting; and teaching pups valuable life skills, such as hunting techniques and how to navigate the landscape safely and efficiently.”

All the while, CHANGE is inevitable for wolves. They move about their territory; territory shifts, especially when packs are impacted by human interference. Pack hierarchy changes, depending on the breeding pair (previously known as alphas). They are matriarchal. At some point in their life, many wolves spend span of time in solitary. Searching for new territory and a mate in order to form another pack. Pack is the natural order for wolves. Pack is a family and community. Pack is priority.

Humans though- we’ve been taught that a very narrow version of family is priority. Everyone must be out for themselves. Competing for resources. Taught to prove worthiness by bogus parameters of success. Influencing the individualistic norms that have finally come to bite us in the ass.

Imagine if everyone around you from the moment you were born behaved in ways that told the story that you are worthy. No matter what you contribute. No matter what your limitations are. WORTHY. Imagine what we could create in our lifetimes if we reclaimed the time we spend hustling to be worthy or healing the wounds created by belief in our unworthiness.

How can we collectively heal our unworthiness wounds? How do we live in a time of division, rife with real threats to present safety and unraveling chaos, AND choose one another? How do we show others the truth of their inherent worthiness while believing and embodying our own? It’s obviously more complex than a single substack can cover. I’ve touched on a few in previous stacks. AND, I’ll continue sharing the sparks² that have been popping into my awareness (often more than once), vying for me to stop, contemplate, and integrate:

Healing Unworthiness Wounds

Embracing the collective awakening, which boils down to noticing and following what I’ve referred to as ‘sparks’ (also known as intuition, knowing, spidey senses, etc) AND turning toward love:

One of my fav substackers, Kendall Lamb, wrote a piece that inspired by another writer, Ros Barber, to write this piece where Ros acknowledges the magnitude of what we are up against. “We can’t force politicians to be humanitarians who value our health over wealth. We can’t single-handedly dismantle capitalism or stop our leaders waging unjust wars.” She then argues that inaction in the face of injustice is the most dangerous path. Finally, proposing an alternative that emboldens us to heal, follow the sparks, and offering an alternative to the predictions of impending end of times. Instead, she makes a case for impending “evolution of consciousness.”

“Just as Neanderthals gave way to Homo Sapiens, under environmental pressures, these dark, mad times can be seen as the crucible driving a new iteration of the species. Let’s call it Homo Conscious, a species of hominid consciously connected to each other in a web of awareness. Unlike an evolution of physical form, an evolution of consciousness happens in an individual’s lifespan. So it’s not impossible that within 50 years, Homo Conscious will become the dominant species.”

🕸️ Sounds a lot like what Joanna Macy called “the Great Turning,” a transition to “a life-sustaining society.”

✨ (Apparently) I shared this post by Joy Sullivan on my IG story on 12/27/23. It resonated DEEPLY. At that point, I was in the beginning phase of my ‘sabbatical’ and had very little clue what would be next for me. It wasn’t until 2/5/25 that I came across Joy’s book, Instructions for Traveling West, while perusing Powell’s Books in Portland with my friend Jolea, fellow dream chaser, inspiring young solo traveler and entrepreneur. I have another photo of the same poem taken on 2/25/25. I didn’t remember my instagram post. Alas, there is one of those repeat sparks and this time it was the permission for something else that resonated.

Learning from nature:

🐺 As described above, Wolves practice ‘alloparenting.’ The pack takes on shared responsibility for feeding, protecting, and teaching the pups. How illogical is it that we expect one stay at home parent/caregiver to do the lion’s share of child rearing in isolation. It is high time we recognize and support parenting (and other forms of caregiving!) as “essential social labor.”

🍄‍🟫 The Outdoorist Oath webinar explained that “Mycelial leadership embraces the idea that there’s a lot we can learn from our non-human kin. It applies to our relational spaces with each other as well.” The workbook went on to specify “Community/the power of collective action: working together, we are a force to be reckoned with³. For that to succeed, we need a deep network that’s connected to itself.”

🌳 This substack note about the Giant Sequoia trees gets right to the point of the power of connection:

Above, Tracy Chrest attributes the following quote to Rob Avis:

“But as an engineer this is what I’m fixated on:

The tallest tree in the world has roots that only go 6-12 feet deep.

That should be impossible. A 300-foot tree with shallow roots makes no sense from an engineering perspective.

But… Sequoias don’t survive alone.

Their root systems spread 50-80 feet wide and interweave with every other sequoia around them.

They share nutrients, water, and structural support. When storms come in, they support each other.”

Co-creation, Connection and Collaboration as Community

🎨🫂 As a friend put it recently, “there is a deficit in co-imagination.” Why do I/we attempt to create and imagine in solitude? As if the best ideas don’t come about when 2+ folks talk about the things that excite them. I love when I am inspired by friends as much as when I’m able to inspire them. Plus, there is a different momentum when we co-imagine.

“With everything in our world made of the same energy, connection ... becomes a powerful force.” ~Melodie Beattie

🥹 For so long, we have done so much of the hard work in private. Emoting in private as if grief is a dirty secret and not one of the most common shared human experiences.

👯‍♀️ Priya Parker’s Group Life stack. Her intro post argues: “We devote endless time to cultivating the self, but when it comes to our groups, we just hope and pray for the best. If you know me, you know that I reject leaving what happens among us to chance. I believe that to avoid the loneliness, fragmentation, and hyper-individualism all around us, we need to become more literate about the health of the groups we belong to. How do we build the skills, habits, and rituals to help our groups thrive? We need a group help revolution. I’m starting this Substack, GROUP LIFE, with the hopes of being part of it. And I hope you’ll join me.

📝 Suleika Jaouad launched a virtual journaling club:

I’m bringing Journaling Club to your living room ✨

Fun discovery about Suleika and Priya, they are friends! Watch their conversation on turning “solitude into connection.”

🙋🏼‍♀️ My own reminder uncovered earlier in this post- “ Something more collaborative and mutually beneficial for you AND others.” I keep coming up with these ideas about how to offer something that is part body doubling and part co-imaginative dreaming. I left myself a voice note at the beginning of summer with a proposal draft for to launch something of that nature in collaboration with some friends. What is stopping me? The worthiness trap. The stories that feed the wound that cries out in anticipation of rejection or failure. I know this. I know we need each other. I know my best and most inspired ideas come when in the presence of and in conversation with others. Especially those who already bought their train ticket and have one foot on the train to “evolution of consciousness.”

Small Magic with a Dash of Miracle

Confirmation to continue trusting my knowledge and intuition…

and advocating for a move to a different site, then weeks later getting confirmation that a tree did fall where I had warned. Woodie VM: “I’m gonna call you my tree whisperer.” yet I don’t even know what the names of the trees are. Anxious? Often. Hypervigilant? Sometimes. Aware? Often. Attuned? More than I used to be.

WITD Miracle Project Intensive…

starting at a time I was getting overwhelmed with despair AND embracing my commitment and knowing that the ‘both/and’ of life is where most possibility and growth lives.

Almost being indirectly involved/witnessing a tragedy…

and probably with much credit to the subversive gratitude practice of the Miracle Project, it didn’t take long for me to realize that maybe what I had first ascribed as ‘wrong place, wrong time’ had potentially been exactly the right place and right time. The outcome could have been significantly worse. I’m being intentionally vague and maybe one day I’ll share more. For now, I’ll say that I am I am incredibly grateful for the willingness of bystanders to stop driving and protect a complete stranger in crisis.

Nature showing the efff off

🌅🐋🐳 Sunset show of 6+ whales (Gray or Humpback) feeding and spouting from a Mendocino Coast vista point we stopped to make dinner

🌠 Horizontal shooting star in Santa Cruz

🌌 Lotsa clear Milky Way viewing

⛰️ Revisiting some of the most magical and awe-inspiring places from my 2023 solo trip on a recent adventure with my sweetie to spread finally carry out my late (environmental activist) grandfather’s directive to visit General Sherman. Fortunately, the park signs have yet to be replaced with misinformation that eradicates mention of climate change. Visitors are educated on the factors that make Sequoia trees miraculously resistant to fire AND causes of increasing rates of loss since 2015. Being immersed by the wonder that is Giant Sequoia Groves was nothing short of magical. The small grove at the end of a foot-traffic only national forest road that we happened to arrive during golden hour, that might count as a miracle.

General Sherman and a more remote Sequoia grove

🦭🎣🐦‍⬛ Returning to Klamath Beach, Yurok land that’s generously made available for public access where we saw at least 8 species hunting together! Again, there were countless seals, pelicans, and other birds. This time I saw dense pods of sea lions out amongst the waves and significant current. The groups of sea lions are called ‘rafts’ and yes, sometimes they body surf for FUN!

📚 The more time I spend in nature, the more I realize there is so much I don’t know and in turn my desire to learn increases! This has inspired to go back and work on my children’s book drafts so that more and more kiddos grow up knowing how to spot the difference between a seal and sea lion❣️

🦭 My 3rd visit to Cape Kiwanda State Natural Area and my SECOND time walking away with wet pants. All three visits held their own magic, I shared a fun piece written about the first visit when I first joined Writing in the Dark and participated in the Visceral Self intensive. Another spark when earlier today in a workshop led by Jeannine (during the FREE Dirty, Messy, Alive embodied memoir-writing conference), she shared the power of the ‘I remember’ exercise that inspired the piece I had already planned to share. ⚡️

Wall of Sea Stars- On Making Space for the Unexpected

I remember pants clinging then billowing, fully submerged in water, looking for the best way out. Jumping in had seemed like a good idea. The others said there was an octopus, couldn’t miss that. They too had exited this direction. Where is the path out that will have the least sharp edges to grasp?

And after, the long walk back down the beach, fragments of discarded seagull snacks peppered the sand, bit and pieces of crabs. Soaking pants, soaking shoes. Such beautiful memories of the discovery of a tide pool covered in life. The entire wall of sea stars, clinging as the tide had been coming in, while I was lost in discovery and unhurriedly exploring. Not yet thinking about how to get out.

Afterward, the sea water stench of sun dried, sand filled shoes and socks. Allowing the memory to linger for several days with the scent an ever present reminder.

💌 Reader Invitations:

💥 What sparks have been vying for YOUR attention?

🌠 What Magic or Miracle moments can you share that might allow the rest of us to hold both awe and despair as the days become shorter?

Land Acknowledgements:

Harm and violence occurred for me to have the privilege to write about and visit the lands that inspire much of what you read here. I thank those who originally and continue to steward these land in resistance to the continued damage to the lands and nearby waters via practices and laws maintained by colonizers.

The lands referred to throughout this stack share geography with following Indigenous Nations:

Cape Kiwanda State Natural Area: Nestucca, Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde; Cayuse, Umatilla and Walla Walla; Confederated Tribes of Siletz Indians

Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Parks and Forests: Nyyhmy (Western Mono/Monache)

Manchester, CA: Central Pomo

Klamath, CA: Yurok

References (most already linked throughout the stack) and some additional references and ideas for further reading include:

https://gardenforwildlife.com/blogs/learning-center/the-dance-of-nature-how-native-plants-sleep-creep-and-leap-over-time?srsltid=AfmBOopzajM5zijYxeTQ4iH8FHe9sf33vbAI3gh1icrhRmhTWqkWA0K3

Rick McIntyre Books about the wolves of Yellowstone: https://www.rickmcintyre.com/books

The Dopamine Dispatch on productivity culture:

You're not broken, you're just not a machine

1. Of note, the author is not Indigenous and as I’ve suspected, this student book review details several errors including inaccurate terms, misrepresentations of Inupiaq culture, and incorrect information about the lands described in the book. I look forward to reading The Wolf’s Trail and Dream Wolf, both written by indigenous authors.

2. Swimming Toward Shore: “I’ve been practicing for this since the days of noticing synchronicities. My pattern detecting adept brain certainly helps. Noticing the sparks and threads in my own life and following with curiosity. “]

3. According to beersandbeans, the collective SHOWED UP and “625,749 public comments were logged with the Federal Register—and 99% were AGAINST rescinding the Roadless Rule!” Yes, public lands continue to face immense threats. AND, way to go team!